[This began as a sort of blog posting but turned into almost a manifesto. If it's too daunting, there's a summary at the very bottom ;) ]

 

In a moment of frustration recently, I deactivated my OKC account and was prepared to just walk away from it because it sometimes feels like it causes more stress and upset in my life than it ought to. But I realized that what the problem is is that I simply don't fit into the role that OKC expects me to. And by continuing to try to make OKC "work" for me as a means of meeting people I want to connect with, I am just building further frustration and resentment with it.

 

So rather than close up shop and estrange myself from an otherwise popular website and social community, I decided to stop trying to play the game that seems to be the norm here on OKC, but leave an explanation of who I am and what I care about, and invite anyone who resonates with it to contact me anyway.

 

Here's why I don't like playing the OKC "game". OKC has thousands or maybe even millions of people who have created profiles on here and all have variations on the same message of "I am wanting connection". That connection looks like a lot of different things to every person. For some it's an activity partner or a welcome friend to show someone a new town. For others it's a hope of finding that soulmate for "happily ever after". For many it's a desire for emotional or physical intimacy. But invariably, if you've gone to the effort of making a profile here on this site, it's probably because you want someone else for something.

 

So far so good. The problem occurs when we actually try to make those connections. That's where we run afoul of countless unwritten social conventions and expectations. This shows up even in the initial communication in many ways. In some cases it's someone failing to even read the profile of another user and crudely propositioning them regardless of what their actual interests or stated desires were. Or maybe it's someone who finds what appears to be an amazing match - a kindred spirit even - and writes a heartfelt message to them, sees that person visit their profile, and then ... silence.

 

Or let's say that successful communication does take place. A message meeting the recipient's expectations is sent, a reply meeting the sender's expectations is sent. This is perhaps repeated a few times until a meeting in person is proposed. The two meet, and now they begin the tormenting job of trying to decipher how to actually earn the trust and intimacy of the other person. There is no map, no written rules, and the penalty for doing it wrong is the end of the date and the end of the connection.

 

The problem is that we don't trust one another with intimacy and authenticity until an undisclosed number of arbitrary rules and procedures are followed, sometimes to the letter, ironically. Every person you ask can list off what are right or wrong things to say or do on a first date, what is supposed to wait for the second date, or later, and so on. The default strategy is to keep a new person at arm's length until you "trust" them - which involves some comparison of how well this person adheres to your unwritten rules about wooing. And then if they haven't violated any of those rules, like a video game, you "level up" that person to a slightly closer level of trust and intimacy. If a person makes it through all the levels, then you've found a new partner! If not, you try to find ways to shunt them out of the process so you can go back to screening more candidates the same way. For the person on the other end of this, though, it feels like a game of Calvinball or Mao

 

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying things, but from an abstract sense, this has been what I've observed on OKC (and just about any other dating/connection site too for that matter). And it doesn't work for me. It doesn't work for me because I fail to see the point of that game. I am apparently different from the general populace here on OKC because I don't understand why not just offer the trust and the intimacy up front? Why even play the "level up" game in the first place?

 

I acknowledge there many people out there with social awkwardness, Asperger's, or other reasons for not understanding this game and being perplexed by it too. Perhaps I even come across as one of them myself. The distinction in my case is that I understand deep intimacy. I understand profound connection. I know how to be full and real and present and open to another person, and understand their emotions and fears and needs. I just don't see why we hide that deep connection that most of us yearn for behind this bizarre game of screening and "dating".

 

One particular aspect of this that I have long struggled with is the paradox of being a "nice guy". I see so many "guys" out there that are selfish, crass, manipulative, and predatory. I'll capitalize it and refer to this type of personality as a "Guy". (and yes, in some cases there are women that can fit this role too) A Guy is out for his needs to be met, even if it means using other people. A Guy doesn't want to hear "no" or he'll try to cajole/persuade/con his way into making that a "yes". When you stop being interesting or useful to the Guy, you get dumped. I listen in horror as I hear the behaviors of some of these Guys and see how they've left hurt, scared, and untrusting people in their wake.

 

I resolved some time ago that I never ever ever wanted to be a "Guy". I took great pains to listen, honor, respect, and in many ways simply overcompensate for the damage done by those Guys, as if I could single-handedly make the world a better place with my actions. I began to strongly identify as a feminist. I look at the chronic mistreatment of women of all ages being objectified by Guys, being critiqued by Guys, being manipulated by Guys. And it turned me into attempting to be the "Anti-Guy" - that nice, sensitive, compassionate fellow that didn't cross boundaries, didn't create any uncomfortable scenarios, and didn't objectify or patronize the people I met.

 

The result is that means I seldom make the first move (it might be crossing a boundary), I'm unlikely to openly flirt and make innuendo (it might make someone uncomfortable), and I rarely admit my attraction up front (it might be unwelcome and considered a form of pressure or expectation). Instead I try to play along with the game, reverse engineering what the expectations and rules are even though I can't see them and it's apparently crass to just ask about them.

 

And I have to admit that I'm tired of my efforts of being respectful and attentive and polite earning me a sure ticket to "the friend zone", while my passions and desires and expression of self are held so deeply in check so as not to be perceived as a Guy.

 

I'd love to just have conversations right up front about what someone is looking for, what they are *not* looking for, and what overlap we might have in those areas. I would welcome others to offer up trust and intimacy up front - not hidden inside an elaborate obstacle course of incrementally and selectively revealing yourself to another person.

 

Maybe I am fundamentally different than other people. I devote a lot of my attention to self-exploration and self-growth. I actively invite feedback and insight from others about what they see in me and patterns that might be limiting me (of which this "nice guy" hangup certainly appears to be one). But I really like who I am inside - I manage to avoid a lot of the drama and attachment that seems to show up in many relationships. I have amazing juicy connections with so many delightful people. It just seems to be this strange "dating" convention that I haven't been able to master.

 

So rather than simply walking away from any possibility of meeting more delightful people by deleting my account, I am choosing to share this glimpse of what makes me tick in hopes that if this resonates for you, you'll see I'm a safe person to have a deeper connection with. Someone who welcomes intimacy and authenticity, and vulnerability. And if you tell me or show me that me flirting, or pulling you close for a kiss, wouldn't brand me as a Guy, then you'll see that I really am passionate and playful and flirty (and kinky, too, although the "kink game" seems just as fraught with hidden rules and expectations as the "dating game") I just want to be sure that it's welcome first. I believe that your consent is very powerful and is what creates the ability for me to be "me" and not lost in the game of unwritten wooing rules...

 

What makes *you* tick? What do *you* want? What if you could find someone who listened, and understood, and accepted you exactly as you are? What if you found someone who wasn't trying to mold you into *their* idea of what you should be? What if it's safe to admit your fears, your rage, your flaws, your hopes? Isn't that so much more interesting and inviting than small talk about what TV shows you watched last week or what sports teams I follow?

 

I trust the match scores here on OKC. I've been very clear to identify which questions are important to me, what answers I'd ideally like to see, and what my opinions are about most of them. If we have a match score of around 90% or higher, it really is a sign that we do have a lot in common. And not in the TV or sports team way, but in the "what's important" and "what are our core values" way. And for me, that's enough that I would probably find you fascinating and would love to get to know you.

 

There are 7 billion people on this planet and while we can connect to any of them and explore what we have in common as humans, I think it's a shame when people with very similar hopes, desires, values, and ideals fail to connect because of some fickle dating rituals. So, I invite you to be bold. Try a new game - see how quickly you can discover who someone really is, and experiment with trusting them with the authentic you. The conversation can begin with a single message and without that, no connection is possible at all...

 

TL;DR summary : This guy doesn't get dating, thinks he's somehow different, and still wants to chat with you anyway. ;)